I know – I know.

The zombie thing is old news, a joke, passé.

If, like me, you are watching the latest season of The Walking Dead you know that to be true. The two episodes that have run so far were horrible. I fear the show has lost its bearings.

But, consider this. Zombies are just a euphemism for social unrest. It’s not polite to talk about shooting people, but whacking zombies is OK. So a tongue in cheek look at zombies might just have some good advice on how to protect your family against raging hordes, no matter if they are zombies or the damn fools who voted for the people that got us into this mess. Read this with that point of view and see if it doesn’t make sense.

Think you can survive the zombie apocalypse with your deer rifle? Think again. Unless you have the right guns, you will soon join the walking dead. 


Some are claiming this zombie apocalypse thing is the extinction event for the human race. They say we are all going to die.

I am not sure I buy that, but I’ll tell you one thing, if they ever do get me they will be wading through a lot of empty cartridge cases to do it.

The way I figure it, if we keep shooting them we accomplish two things. We stay alive and sooner or later we can make them extinct. But you need to choose your guns carefully, because it’s the equipment we carry that will make the difference on which of us embraces extinction.

It’s not the single events we need to worry much about. Things like your newly infected neighbor coming over for lunch with your brain on the menu. For those simple problems I prefer a shotgun. It’s safer to use around the house because it doesn’t penetrate walls like a rifle or pistol and turkey loads with #4 shot will just about rip their heads off their rotting necks.

But that’s just the easy stuff. It’s the times when the hordes show up that you need to be packing the right kind of armament. The emptying cities will send thousands of them out foraging. Zombies are herd animals and when a couple of hundred show up at your door, you have a problem.


I am sure that foolish people like Marie Harf will suggest we just reason with them. But the hippies already tried that, which is why so many zombies smell like patchouli. The only way to deal with zombies is to kill them and the only way to take out a lot of them in a hurry is with the right firearms. Nothing else is as effective.

I am sure that Marie Harf and her boss B O think they just need better jobs, but the truth is zombies are zealots who want to kill you and employment is not high on their radar. If you can’t shoot your way out of the situation you will be joining them pretty quickly.

The key is to have guns that run without problems, even when they are smoking hot. Most hunting guns are not made for sustained fire and will heat up and seize up. Besides, you need guns with a lot of ammo in the magazine and the ability to reload very quickly. They have to shoot very fast, because when there are a dozen worm-eyed zombies in your living room and more coming through the door, you have a need for speed.

Zombies are nothing more than rotting flesh, so they are not a tough target. You don’t need a cartridge big enough to hunt elk. The idea is to have cartridges that can fit a lot of them in a magazine. But then, the little mouse gun cartridges like .22 LR or .25 ACP are not a good idea, either. Even with a hit that’s not perfect, you still want to smash the brain pan like Gallagher’s watermelon to be sure of stopping them. You need a cartridge powerful enough to break bones with body shots, which will slow them down. Take out both knees and the head will hold still for the kill shot.



It’s all a no-brainer for me. By far the best rifle choice is an AR-15 type rifle. The .223 Remington cartridge is just about perfect for dealing with the undead. If you use a good varmint style bullet like the 55-grain Ballistic Tip from Federal or a Hornady Z-Max, a bullet designed just for zombies, it will explode their rotting heads like overripe melons. I like the slightly heavy bullet because it has a higher ballistic coefficient, so it can also reach out for first round hits as far away as 600 yards.

The magazines for an AR-15 can hold a lot of ammo and can be changed in about two seconds with a little practice. The AR is a battle rifle and is designed for a high, sustained rate of fire. They run hot and will just keep puking out the ammo no matter what. Most are very accurate so you can start on the horde from several hundred yards away. On the other end of the survival spectrum, it’s a perfect gun for fast multiple target engagements. If you set it up right, an AR-15 is the ultimate zombie killing machine.

I know my holds with my Swarovski 1-6 scope with a ballistic reticle all the way out to 700 yards because I have taken time to shoot and record the results. I can’t do head shots at that distance, but if I break bones and take out the structure, they stop right there. When set at 1X with the red dot illuminated, it’s very fast for close quarters shooting.

In addition to the high capacity 40 round magazine in my gun, my Blackhawk vest has six extra 30 round magazines in easy reach. When we are expecting a big party of zombies I keep another dozen or more loaded magazines handy. Extra ammo does not guarantee I’ll live, but running out guarantees I will not. They might get me, but it won’t be because I am out of ammo.

I believe in redundancy and in not trusting even the most reliable systems. You never know what can happen and you might lose your rifle. So I always have at least one pistol on my person.


The goal is a high magazine capacity. I prefer a high-capacity .40 S&W because I still believe in defensive pistols that start with a four and you only give up a couple of cartridges in magazine capacity. My S&W M&P holds 15 cartridges in the magazine where most 9mms hold 17. I keep lots of mags plugged full of ammo and ready for a fast reload. I have always been a huge fan of 180-grain Hydra Shok from Federal, but the Hornady Zombie Max 165-grain is a great choice as well. Put either one of them in the brain pan and the undead lose the “un” part real fast.

I really believe that there will be extinction soon, and if I have any say in the matter it’s not going to be the humans. The one thing I know for sure is that in the end, it will be the last “man” standing, not the last zombie.

After all, they are just bringing teeth to a gun fight.