After reading yet another “Top Ten Reasons the Cops are going to the 9mm” article we felt compelled to act. Like all the others before it, this article just contains all the flawed data and incorrect “facts” repeated from the last bazillion or so articles with the same title.

In the interest of discovering the truth, we sent our crack, undercover, investigative reporter out into the murky world of law enforcement to seek some answers. After multiple late night interviews with unnamed, but highly placed law enforcement sources here is what we found out.

First off, all those articles have been grossly inflated, probably to bump up the word count. After countless man hours of relentless investigation we could only find five reasons and have concluded that the accepted standard of ten is frivolous. We did however uncover a “talking points” memo, believed to have been put out by the Obama administration, that refers to the exact same ten points and logic would conclude the memo is likely the source of that number.


The Five Reasons Law Enforcement agencies are going to the 9mm

1: Quotas

In years past law enforcement has been about law enforcement. Today it’s more of a social experiment. The physical size and skills requirements to become a cop have long since been abandoned. When affirmative action quotas began filling the ranks with cops who could not meet the training standards, those standard were lowered to accommodate them. This is simply an extension of those policies.

One highly placed source in federal law enforcement said, “We find the today’s smaller, weaker, less motivated and less talented law enforcement officers cannot handle the recoil generated by the grown up pistol cartridges. So rather than face the expensive lawsuits and endure the relentless media attention, we simply lowered the standards again. We have found that this is a simple way to fly below the public’s radar on these issues. We believe that the concept of ‘go along to get along’ trumps any need for competent law enforcement.

“I fully expect this trend with the handguns and new recruits will continue over the years and project that with a few more advancements in bullet technology we will be arming the next generation of LE officers with .22 LR handguns.”

According to our investigative reporter, most upper management in LE circles believe that the polymer .380 is the perfect issue gun for today’s new recruits.

According to our investigative reporter, most upper management in LE circles believe that the polymer .380 is the perfect issue gun for today’s new recruits.

2: Less Lethality

Studies have shown that in most cop shootings, the bad guys are rarely hit. But sometimes innocent bystanders catch a bullet. Several members of law enforcement’s upper management told our reporter that they believe that switching to a 9mm will reduce the fatality rate of these “collateral damage” victims.

 The reports are that this guy was shot center-mass by a 9mm. He is quoted as saying that it “hurt like hell.”

The reports are that this guy was shot center-mass by a 9mm. He is quoted as saying that it “hurt like hell.”

Given that the cops occasionally do hit the bad guys, they also state that the 9mm will lead to a drop in wrongful death lawsuits from the perpetrator’s families. Quoting one southern big city police chief, “If that sombitch ain’t dead, all his asshole relatives can’t sue me for wrongful death.”

We discovered that this change to the 9mm was also lobbied for by the trial lawyers. Apparently they were complaining that the larger pistol cartridges were killing too many potential clients. A Shop Steward for the International Brotherhood of Lawyers said they believed that using a larger handgun cartridge was an example of unfair labor practices.

He told our reporter, “The 9mm is expected to leave more survivors after any police shootings, both perpetrators and bystanders. As a result the lawyer industry can continue on a growth path. We see that as progress.”


3: Magazine Capacity

One of the top ranking law enforcement management officers for a huge federal agency said this; “Training is becoming very expensive. Have you looked at the price of ammo these days? We need that money for other expenditures like our community outreach programs and for management to attend the crucial Law Enforcement seminars held throughout the year in places like Las Vegas and Hawaii.

“Besides, most of our new recruits complain that training is hard and boring. Plus, there have been several lawsuits against our instructors for bullying and those are very expensive to defend. So we decided to cut back on training. To compensate we are switching to the 9mm handguns to boost the magazine capacity. We have found that most of our recruits now get their training by watching rap videos and as a result they have adapted what is called in the common street vernacular the, “spray and pray” shooting technique. For that to be properly executed, a large magazine capacity is required.

“Although this method often results in the wrong people being hit by bullets, we know you are all guilty of something so we in law enforcement, as a whole, are good with that.”

New recruits in training at an undisclosed police academy.

New recruits in training at an undisclosed police academy.

4: Smaller Pistols

Quoting a very high profile Sheriff. “All this PC bullshit has forced me to hire a bunch of pansy-ass, chicken-shit, asswipes as cops. These skinny, little vegan-eating dickwads all got carpel tunnel from playing video games and complained that the guns we used were too heavy. I said ‘screw em,’ but the unwiped asses filed a lawsuit and the Obama appointed judge said I had to give them smaller handguns. I asked what they wanted and they all play some war game on line and liked the 9mm. So I got them 9mm guns so the little assholes would shut the hell up and leave me alone.”


5: The Sheep Syndrome

The attorney general for a big Northeastern state summed this up nicely.

“Shit man, ain’t any of us ever had an original thought. We mostly just try to see what everybody else is doing and we do that. We claim we are cutting edge, but we ain’t, we just following the crowd.”

Time and time again, our probing investigator dug deep into areas where the law enforcement officials didn’t want to go. As a result, he discovered that almost without exception the decision makers adapted a “follow the herd” mentality. As career bureaucrats they have discovered that following the herd while taking credit lets them keep their jobs.

A state police chief for a mid-west state said, “If the FBI is going back to the 9mm, then by God, so are we. I’ll just tell the public it’s because of improvements in the ammo or some other bullshit. Hell son, if you hold a press conference and look all official and about half pissed off for wasting your time, they will buy anything.”